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Redneck / Ghetto Guide to Golf

Redneck / Ghetto Golf

The definitive starter guide to all those who wish to learn how to play golf; yet grew up in a rural shit hole or the projects. Editors Note: I am all for supporting my friends and family in learning golf as a sport, of which I have many who grew up in a shit hole or ghetto. If we can save them from monster trucks and dice games we will be better off as a society. I grew up in a rural community myself and committed all of the following infractions at one point or another until I learned the value of not committing such transgressions against my fellow human. We are all in this together….. I too have sinned. Learning the game of golf will give you an excellent indication of the state of your life as well as the corresponding joy and peace within it. I can see the ebbs and flows of my life in my handicap and it helps me to see the bigger picture of life itself. In short it will make you a better person. Golf teaches respect, honesty, courage and humility—no doubt valuable lessons for young Bubba and Tyrone. But boys……Holy F@#king Mackarel!!!! The disrespect I have witnessed recently is appalling. Me and my hillbilly friends had more class as unchaperoned14 year olds. Moreover, I am sick and tired of repeating myself continuously on etiquette and the value of it. I would love to grab you by the scruff of your f@#king neck and pummel you into submission to teach the lessons the Ghetto way (I too know the way of the street) ……..but alas that is not the culture of Golf. I am not perfect and I do make mistakes, but Golf is a gentlemen’s game and gentlemen have honor and respect. You need to learn some. So I have decided I will try to talk Redneck / Ghetto slang and discuss how you are to conduct yourselves on a golf course with out being a total f@#king detriment to the human race. If you don’t understand what the word etiquette means, consider it a code to not getting a cap in your ass. Readers Cue: Insert “Selling Crack Cocaine” or “Squirrel Hunting” in place of “Golf” if it seems fuzzy.

Redneck / Ghetto Rules of “The Game of Golf”

Golf etiquette refers to a set of rules and practices designed to make the game of golf safer and more enjoyable for golfers and to minimize possible damage to golf equipment and courses. Although many of these practices are not part of the formal rules of golf, golfers are customarily expected to observe them. The R&A rule book states that "[t]he overriding principle is that consideration should be shown to others on the course at all times." Fairway divots Divots should always be repaired, either by placing sand in the divot or replacing the grass, preferably with a divot tool to help fit the new sand in. Taking dozens of practice strokes on the tee box and leaving multiple gigantic divots on the ladies tee box is an example of an extreme violation of this rule. Example: Joe Bob and his friends are huntin turkeys….. You decide to tear arse through the woods banging pots and pans. Walking Golfers should not run during play, but instead walk quickly but lightly during play and remain stationary while others play their shots. Charging across the fairway at full gallop screaming “Fuck Scotty what club should I use here” while I am addressing my ball is an extreme violation of this rule. Pseudo Example: Selling Cocaine laced with arsenic to the Hells angels Golf carts Golf carts should not be used to annoy or distract other players. The cart should be parked on the cart path when at the tee box or putting green. Carts should normally stay only on the paths, and are required to do so on many courses. Should carts be permitted off the paths, golfers should observe the "90 degree rule": make a 90 degree turn off the path toward the fairway to a given ball, and return straight back to the path, not along the path of greatest convenience. Carts inflict wear and tear on the course, and can be accidentally driven over another player's ball. Golfers should keep the noise of backing up to a minimum and must always set the park brake when leaving the cart. Having three people in a cart and tearing all over the course in order to drive up to each other’s balls for every shot is an extreme violation of this rule. Hammering on the brakes to hear the tires squeal and doing donuts in the wet rough is also an extreme violation of this rule. Ghetto Equivalent: Rocking up in you Mom’s Corolla wearing a Michael Jackson zipper jacket to a Tupac concert Honour The player with the best score on the previous hole has the honour of teeing off first. If there is no outright winner of a hole, then the order of play does not change from the previous tee. In informal games one can play ready golf and not wait for the best score on the hole to tee it up first. This one has not been a real issue yet because of multiple tee boxes. By the time you are ready for the blues and it becomes my problem I trust you will have this one figured out Ball identification A golfer should always know which brand of ball they are using, or mark it to avoid confusion during play. I know it is hard to remember the number on the last pinnacle (or was it a top flite) you pulled out of your plastic garbage bag. Especially since it was one of 17 you have lost that day……………. 2 pieces of advice on that one: 1) Carry a sharpie with a distinct color and make your mark on every ball you put in play. 2) If you can’t blink, you have smoked enough weed for a while Line of sight In the tee box, other players should stand alongside the person playing, out of the way and not behind the player getting ready to swing. Should the player about to play the ball ask his partners to move, the request should be honoured. Standing not only in my personal space, yet within striking distance of my back swing is a more than extreme violation of this rule. Especially after I have shooed you away from me for the 7th time this round. Think……….hey Spike, hey Spike can I hang with you and your bitches this afternoon at your crib…….come on Spike please……I’ll let my sister.......!!! Pitch marks on the green A ball hitting the green often leaves an indentation, a pitch mark, where it strikes the ground. These need to be repaired to keep the green in good condition. After golfers have arrived at the green, they should make a point to find pitch marks and repair them. No big worry here yet…….rednecks don’t hit greens Talk to Tbear@crossfit.ca if you want to learn how to repair a ball mark. Putting lines Golfers should note each player's putting line, and avoid stepping on it as they play on the green or stand on a line of sight, that is, in the line of sight either ahead or behind a player who is attempting to putt. A second but related concern involves the hole itself. A golfer should avoid stepping within at least a one-foot radius of the hole. Stepping, no, standing, 2 inches from the cup directly in my line as I address my ball is so over the top that I am left speechless from rage. When my ball does an oblique right face 2 inches from the cup losing my team the hole ………….that is a cap in the ass, on the spot type of offense. In fact this whole topic has me so frazzled that I feel that my nut sack is crawling with centipede’s pretty much the entire five hours and 45 minutes it takes to play a round with you knuckle draggers. For the one hundred’s time……..Get your f@#king Nike shocks off my putting line…….When you step on the putting green consider it a grave yard with Colonel Sanders buried somewhere in it. It is THAT sacred. Bunkers Play from a bunker According to the rules of golf, a player is not allowed to "ground" the club in any type of hazard. This means that a player getting ready for a shot cannot allow the club to touch the ground, sand, water, or anything else during a practice swing. A player is allowed to thrash as much sand, water, etc., as necessary during the actual shot. A player should always enter and leave a bunker from the low side. After the shot, a player should rake the sand smooth again to leave a fresh surface for other players. Normally, the rake should be replaced alongside the bunker, not inside it. Somehow this one has not been an issue. However I am confident there are some people behind us that might think otherwise. Get a raking lesson from theshepherd@crossfit.ca. He is painfully meticulous. Slow play Slow players should allow following faster players to play through if there is substantial room in front of them. Golfers should try to follow closely the group ahead of them, and not to be "pushed" by the group behind them. Two people using one putter???? That is unacceptable to begin with. Go into the pro shop and rent, borrow or steal a putter. That would be better. BUT If you are going to share a putter this is the most effective way to intrude into the happiness of everyone in your foursome and fuck up the speed of play for the entire course behind you: 1) Get really really stoned 2) After every putt drift off to la la land until I have to tell you to give the putter back to Billy….on every shot 3) Stand there and look at the stoned chinaman with the putter in his hands and do nothing when you are the one away from the hole. 4) Walk over my line while exchanging the putter Three people in a cart??? The one experienced golfer in this cart should know better In fact, fuck carts……..walk the golf course and your etiquette improves 50% on that alone. They are illegal on the PGA tour and are an abomination created for Fat lazy fucks. Sauntering, practice swings and slow play: When prompted by a senior member of the group (I have played over 1,000 rounds, you have 7 under your belt. If I was going to sell drugs or play poker professionally I would consult you on all matters and consider it gospel) to repeatedly speed up because we are 2 holes behind on a packed Sunday course….. The correct response is: “yes sir”. The correct action is: To quickly address your ball, hit it and move on. The incorrect response is: “Fuck that I didn’t come out here to get rushed, I came out here to relax”. The incorrect action: Saunter over to your ball as casual as if entering a strip joint, take 15 practice swings, finally hit a “topper” 50 yards and commence sauntering and practice swinging. Do your practice swings when it does not impede the pace of play. Tee box A golfer should choose the correct tee for their skill level, regardless of where the other members of the group are playing. The different tee lengths are one way to help even the playing field. A golfer should tee the ball between the two markers for their given distance. The ball must be even with or behind the markers. Should a golfer address the ball, swing and miss, the golfer incurs no penalty (but the stroke counts). If the ball is moved, anywhere off the tee at address, a one-stroke penalty will be incurred. No Mulligans when you are playing golf for money. I can’t even believe we had to argue about that one, especially since you were on my team. And pull your dick out when you don’t get it past the woman’s tee box. It will make you concentrate on making a more consistent shot instead of trying to hit is 250 with a one in 20 chance of success. Dedicated to all you pimps still rocking the one iron  )~ Acknowledgements: Arthur “Animal” Tsang, Bildo Baggins and countless other big hearted brothers trying to learn the most frustrating game on earth. With love in my heart, respectfully The pink pig Lets go play some golf together bitches! Patty :)