I would like to introduce you all to Shadow Man.
Shadow Man is my ‘I’m not good enough’ Monster. He lives in my shadow and follows me wherever I go. He is created by the very light I try to step into. He is there to remind me that I do not deserve that light, that I am not worthy of it.
When I live in a self-focused state, he is there to keep me anxious, to keep me worried about failing, to keep me from trying new things, from speaking my mind, from learning and growing. He reminds me that the only way to be worthy of love is to be perfect, to win, to achieve and to be successful. And he protects me. He protects me from failing, from embarrassment, from making a fool of myself and from connecting with those around me.
For a long time, I loved being chased by Shadow Man. I knew that I wasn’t good enough but if I just got that next achievement then I would be ok. I kept chasing a pot of gold that kept getting further and further away because it wasn’t the answer.
I would hit my next achievement hoping that it would fill my emotional void. That this win would be the one that would make me feel worthy. I had the idea that I needed to be a victorious person to be worthy of having a connection with the people in my life. Instead my victory felt shameful because I did not feel deserving of it.
So how do I battle my ‘I’m not good enough’ Monster? How do I strike down Shadow Man?
I don’t. I have however learned to accept him. The first thing I did was give him a name and a personality. It opened the opportunity to explore this part of myself, to understand my Monsters motivations and to learn from him and to grow as a person.
Now I understand that to be a victorious person I need to first be in connection with myself and those around me, not the other way around. Instead of being inward focused I have shifted to looking for what gives me a sense of purpose in my life. What is the difference I want to make in this world? How can I impact the lives of others in a way that is meaningful to me? I will give you a hint – this is where coaching others comes in.
What is your Monster and what lesson is it trying to teach you? If you are interested in exploring head over to Mind Monsters: